nixwilliams            

Ode to Steve Martin
© Williams 2005

Dear Steve
I don’t like you
(Ooh-wah-ooh-wah-ooh)
In fact, I despise you
Steve (Steve)
They say all these things about you
You’re talented (talented)
Intelligent (intelligent)
But you’re American
I hate your voice, your smirk, your smile
I hate your hair – it’s too damned white

Steve (Steve)
I don’t like you (No, no, no)
Uh-uh (She doesn’t like you, no, no, no)
In fact, I despise you
Steve (Steve)
They say all these things
They say you’re funny, but you’re not
I heard a twelve-year-old girl say
She thought you were hot (oh no)
Please, Steve, get off my TV
Get out of the movies
Go and play golf or something somewhere (somewhere)
I don’t have to hear of you
Ever again
(Shoo-be-doo-we-doo-wup, oh)

Please, Steve, I’m begging you
Begging you to go and do
Something that doesn’t require you
To be seen by me
You’re giving me nightmares (nightmares)
Your horrible white hair (white hair)
Your hideous smirking sneer (wah-ooh)
You’re old and ugly (wah-ooh)
You’re worse than Bill Murray (wah-ooh)
At least he’s funny
Sometimes (sometimes)
Get off (get off get off) the magazines
Get off (get off get off) the TV
Get off (get off get off) the movies
Before I hurt your feelings
Steve (Steve)
I don’t like you (no, no, no)
Steve (she doesn’t like you, no, no, no)
In fact, I despise you
Steve

Download or listen online: Ode to Steve Martin

Notes:

So I wrote and recorded this five and a half years ago! It was clearly a time when Steve Martin was EVERY FUCKING WHERE OMG, GO AWAY STEVE MARTIN. I obviously recorded it before I began identifying as a guy – but only just, because I remember being uncomfortable with the ‘shes’ in the backing vocals soon afterwards. Also, I wrote it before I met some nice Americans. Sorry, Americans, for the anti-American sentiments! I know for a fact that there are at least half a dozen talented and intelligent Americans out there! And Bill Murray . . . well, he’s still better than Steve Martin. And he is funny. Sometimes.

Anyway, when I first played this to my partner, he told me a story about how someone asked Steve Martin, “Why aren’t you funny any more?!” and Steve Martin looked upset. Oh! My partner has found a video of it for me. Dennis Pennis, WHY SO MEAN?



And then I felt bad for writing this song.

Interestingly, the writing and recording of “Ode to Steve Martin” also pre-dates by many years one of my favourite fandom secrets of all time it makes me really sad when people say mean things about actors on the internet because they probably see it and get their feelings hurt. (BEST!)

Ah, what else? I don’t know. I do like this song, even though it’s probably quite offensive (to: Steve Martin, Americans, old people, Bill Murray, people who care about any of those categories of person)! Because, man, what did I have against Steve Martin?! I clearly didn’t like him, no, no, no.

Do you?

Feel free to share this song with others – please link to this page rather than directly to the download!

New Life
© Williams 2009

I have no history
No story to tell you
No songs to play on piano
And I have no lines on my face
No fingerprints of childhood
No echoing late-night conversations

And I want you to tell me it’s all right
It’s all right

Sitting by the window
Sink is full of soap suds
Hearing the wind blowing

I have no history
No story to tell you
No songs to play on piano
I have no lines on my face
No grazes on my knees
And no first kisses
No conversations
No used tickets
No half-remembered destinations

It’s all right
It’s all right
It’s all right

Download or listen online: New Life (mp3)

Background

I’ve been thinking about what ‘going stealth’ means, about what safety means, about what ‘a new life’ means. The opening lyrics came to me as I was having a conversation with an acquaintance who didn’t know my history. I was wondering why so often it feels like I need to choose between smudging the truth and having a conversation about topic X, or disclosing and having to have a conversation about me being trans. And I wonder what people do who do go ‘deep stealth’, what it feels like to get rid of all that history. I have one acquaintance who threw away all her books, just in case her old name was inside the cover.

Just recently we bought a ukulele, and I’ve been learning to play it. It’s very different to guitar, and I really haven’t become accustomed to it yet. I realised today that I’m sort of making a point of not learning all the chords too quickly – I want to have the freedom to make my music writing go in different ways, rather than having my fingers move automatically from tonic to dominant, from relative minor to subdominant (although there is still a bit of this going on here, I guess). At any rate, the different order of notes within the chords leads me to try out different melodies.

I have also been thinking about lullabies, and how sad I found many of them as a child. I’ve been wanting to write one, and I think this comes close-ish. The nylon strings of the ukulele help with the tone, and remind me of Luka Bloom’s softer songs of a few years back. (Although I’m nowhere near as awesome, of course!)

Recording

This is another quick recording, done in one take, pretty much as soon as I’d written the song this afternoon. I recorded the ukulele and vocals on one track. It’s really simple, with just a little tweaking of the EQ and some reverb, because I love reverb!

I think, actually, it would sound good with some more instruments – woodwind or strings? Piano arpeggios running through? But I like the simplicity of this, and I wanted to upload it, so here it is.

Doing it again

Well, I’d practice more?! There are a few issues with the vocals (like the bit about “no lions on my face”!), but hey, they’re fresh which makes up for most of the imperfections, yes? I hope so! I’d also, as per so many other times, record the instrument/s and vocals separately, so I had more control with mixing.

Of course, I would be honoured if you’d like to share this song with people – please link them to this page rather than directly to the download. Thank you.

I Respect Women
Music by Williams 2009
Words by an Anonymous Concern Troll 2009

feminists i think look at things too closely in regards to how women are portrayed in society particularly in television and advertising. advertising is exactly that and is only intended to sell material goods or services. sex sells as a reasonably intelligent person you should know this, so that leaves the question for the manufacturer ‘do i advertise without sex (potentially less sales) or with (potentially greater sales)?’. in this case it is only logical to undertake the former option with the promise of greater sales (although not guaranteed). i am by no means a sexist but i believe that feminists are very bigoted in their beliefs, hardly recognising the injustices that can also befall men. men and women were not made equal, or rather that women and men to society are not equal, women often complain that they don’t get paid enough and this is true. women can practically make men do as they wish through the use of sex (they can throw themselves at men often with success, but in most instances men cannot throw themselves at women), women are often a determinant of whether or not i can get into a nightclub, and on that subject it is frequently men that buy women drinks and not the other way around. i respect women and have grown to understand them having two sisters and a mother, but feminism is a very narrow point of view. my objective was not to make you follow a belief but to simply broaden your views on the way women are portrayed in society and shed some light on how men suffer injustices just like women do.

Download or listen online: I Respect Women (mp3)

Background

This post about sexism in advertising and the following comments is all the context you need. I hope you find listening to this as therapeutic as I found “writing” it.

EDIT: Apparently I need to make it clearer, because I’m beginning to get hate comments. I DID NOT WRITE THESE WORDS. An anonymous commenter left this message on one of my blogs, and I am MOCKING THAT COMMENT by turning it into a very serious (READ: NOT SERIOUS AT ALL) song. I am somewhat surprised that I need to say this, but I guess irony and sarcasm are sometimes easy to miss on the internet.

Recording

I recorded it basically in one go as soon as I’d figured out the chords and played it once through. And then I put some awesome harmonies down, too. Yeah, dude. [ETA: Yeah, that was sarcastic!]

Please, feel free to share! But link to this post rather than directly to the mp3, thank you!

Blanket of Blue
© Williams 2009

Blanket of blue
So far away, and yet closer to you
Closer to you
On the ocean than in the next room
In the next room
The anger of thunderstorms, the silence of tombs
The silence of tombs
I wrap myself in a blanket of blue

Face to the sun
Summer holidays, off we run
Off we run
Through the memories and river gums
The river gums
Echoing always the shot of the gun
The shot of the gun
The twist of your ankle, your face to the sun

Rocks in the sky
The orange horizon, the curve of your eye
The curve of your eye
That chases ducks into the night
Into the night
The desert contracts in our syncopated quiet
Our syncopated quiet
You say the stars are just rocks in the sky

We buried him here
We buried him here

Download: Blanket of Blue (mp3)
Last.fm link: Blanket of Blue

Background

This song was inspired by friend’s painting.  Gabriel often posts updates of his paintings on his LJ, and I am always really excited to see the progress of his work.  This particular painting is one I adore, and if I ever have the money (and it’s still for sale) I will buy it!   The composition is gorgeous, with the reflection of the landscape adding a different undertone to the picture – in fact, if you flip the image, you get a night scene instead of a day scene.

By Gabriel M Thomson

To me it speaks of the vastness and timelessness of the Australian landscape, and the way time moves differently when you are removed from those things (other than the slow blending of day into night) that mark time.  The different shades of blue in the sky look to me like electricity wires, but also like the marks on the side of a candle or a sundial – again, indicating remoteness, and stillness, and a different rhythm.

From that picture I began to construct this song.  I wanted a circular or repetitive lyric as a way of trying to capture the repetition of the blue/line/blue of the sky, and the way I kept turning the picture to look at the night/water scene.  I’ve tried, with the lyrics, to capture both the awe-inspiring aspects of the country (the wildness, remoteness, stillness), and the undercurrent of violence and terror that we have to repress or ignore at times in order to occupy such a landscape.  It is the same with our internal landscapes – there are histories sometimes forgotten, yet they are always there.

As usual, I’d be interested to hear what you get from the lyrics!

Recording

I began recording this in early 2008, I think.  It didn’t really come together, so I put it aside.  I tinkered with it a bit here and there, and then this year (after Gabriel asked me when I was going to upload more music!), I worked on it again – adding some different instruments, playing with the mix.  One day in March, after not having looked at it for a month, I started singing it as I was doing housework.  I took this as an indication to complete a draft at least!

I have had a shocking time with mixing this, and I am still not completely happy with it.  It is too muddy, and on some speakers it’s too bass-heavy.  I’m beginning to think that it’s actually the guitar tracks that have caused most of the mixing problems, but at this stage I can’t be bothered going back and re-recording them!  Lazy.  If I had more time I would work at giving the mix a bit more openness, to reflect the atmosphere of the painting.

Misc

This song is for Gabriel.  Thanks to Gabriel, Esther and Dan for being my betas (in fandom terms!) and helping me out with suggestions for mixing.

As usual, I’m very happy for you to share this song with people.  However, if you do this, please link them to this post rather than directly to the download.  Thank you.

BIDING TIME
© Williams 2008

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I’m not scared
I’m just waiting for a chance to come back home
When I look and see the monsters are all gone
I’ll come back home

---

I’m not sad
I’ll just wait until it’s safe to smile again
When I can see where all the bad dreams went
I’ll smile again

---

And I’m not scared
And I’m not sad
And I’m not wishing for a life I never had

---

I’m not dumb
I’ll just wait to find a space where I can speak
When secrets won’t be crushed beneath our feet
Then I can speak

---

I’m not blind
I’m just waiting until I can bear to see
When we don’t hide her wrists beneath our sleeves
Then I will see

---

And I’m not scared
And I’m not sad
And I’m not wishing for a life I never had
And I’m not dumb
And I’m not blind
And I’m not good for nothing, I’m biding time

---

I’m not free
But I’m waiting for my chance to cut these ties
When the truth no longer vanishes in lies
I’ll cut these ties

---

And I’m not scared
And I’m not sad
And I’m not wishing for a life I never had
And I’m not free
But I’m not blind
I am not good for nothing, I’m biding time
I am not good for nothing, I’m biding time

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Download: Biding Time (mp3)

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Notes

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I wrote this the morning after a bad dream.  I’m dedicating this song to Ryan – or more specifically to Ryan’s younger self, who I think needed it more than I do. It’s just a draft version, and unfortunately the computer started making this horrid hissing sound as I was recording, so you’ve got that in the background.  I hope you enjoy it anyway!

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Please excuse my use of horizontal lines as a formatting tool – wordpress has made it nigh on impossible for me to format paragraph breaks. My lovely friend E is trying to figure out how to fix it, but in the meantime, you’ll have to put up with the lines!

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I’d be honoured if you’d like to share this song, or any of my songs, with other people. However, please link to the individual posts rather than directly to the download. Thank you!

Hi all!  Just to let you know that a number of my tracks are now available to listen to on last.fm. . .  Last.fm is nice because artists get royalties for every play of the songs uploaded to the site.  If you’d like to help me out on the royalties front (every play gives me something like $0.00001!) then head on over and listen to the tracks provided!  Another way in which you could be extremely helpful is to tag me with the following, or any other tags you think are relevant!

• trans
• transgender
• transgender vocalist
• queer
• australian
• singer-songwriter

I’m working on a couple of songs at the moment, and when I’m happy with the lyrics and music, I’ll start recording.

Home
© Williams 2008

When I go back the houses are smaller,
The streets are wider, the trees by the river are taller.
On Sunday the shops are closed, but the pubs are both open,
There’s three or four motels and the signs out the front are still broken.
The kids are suspicious and the talk is still mean,
Someone burnt down the old factory; the walls are still on a lean.
The girls hate the same as they did fifteen years ago,
The sons and the daughters of teenagers I used to know,
And I’ve got a whole football field of air to breathe
But I’m still suffocating. I’m still suffocating. I’m still suffocating.

When I go back the weeknights are quieter,
The wind is cleaner and new paint looks that much whiter.
The paddocks are dry, but I’ve seen them drier.
It’s not shooting season so the ducks are still swimming and flying.
The boys are all farmers with broken fingers,
They fight like their fathers and the threat of violence still lingers.
You go to a party and drink yourself blind –
Who knows how long til you leave this shithole behind?
And I’ve got a whole football field of air to breathe
But I’m still suffocating. Still suffocating. I’m still suffocating.

This is the school where I first fell in love with a girl.
This is the bridge where I first fell in love with a boy.
This is the place where I worked one December
Where, when I was ten, I remember the parents of some of my friends
Yelled at this man.
He was a poofter, a greenie, a faggot,
Get out of our town.

When I go back, I am not safe here,
Still not safe here, still not safe here.
And I’m still suffocating, still suffocating, still suffocating.
I am still suffocating.

Download: Home (mp3)

Last.fm link: Home

Background

A while ago, I went to a marvellous gig with some friends – it was Patty Griffin, and she was amazing! Her support act was Paul Greene, who sang a song he wrote while overseas – a song about being homesick, a small ode to his Australian hometown, a celebration of place. “That’s nice,” I thought to myself. “I wonder if I could write a nice song about the country town where I grew up?” And the thought stuck with me, and I sat down and wrote . . . this. Not exactly a celebration, but I did manage to write some of the things I did and do like about the place – the river, the bridge, the open spaces, the bush, the clean air, the creatures, the farms on the river flats. But I guess I need to write the reality of it, and the way the place makes me feel, how sad and frustrated I was for a lot of my time there, how even thinking about it makes me anxious and angry.

It’s interesting writing with perspective, and also remembering how I felt last time I was back (the streets are really very wide, and the teenagers really do still look at everyone/strangers/me in the same way). There are things I can articulate now that I couldn’t when I lived there, simply because I didn’t have anything to compare it to, and I didn’t have the distance to be able to look at how I was, what I felt, how I grew from it, how eighteen and a half years there affected me. It’s been over eight years (only eight years? eight whole years?) since I left, but I guess its always going to be with me.

When I played this to my friend, the Magnificent M, she commented on the way ‘greenie’ was up there with ‘poofter’ and ‘faggot’ as an insult. I wonder if this would be the case in many Victorian country towns? (Notice I’m deliberately not naming names here? I don’t want someone randomly googling my hometown and stumbling across this!) I can still recall the charming car-sticker slogans: “The only true wilderness is between a greenie’s ears” and “Fertilise the bush, doze in a greenie” as well as the ridiculously untruthful “Greens cost jobs” (no, it’s efficient technology that’s costing you your fucking jobs, dickheads). There were businesses that refused service to people with dreadlocks or feral/hippie clothing. Anyway, I’m willing to bet that there aren’t too many towns in Victoria that hate/d people-who-give-a-shit-about-the-environment with such a passion. There are probably several more in Tasmania, though. Growing up surrounded by this attitude is one of the reasons that people saying snide things about greenies, ferals, hippies, tree-huggers, etc pisses me off. A lot.

Anyway, I’d be interested to hear what you have to say on the matter, dear listeners! Have you ever lived in a place like that? What attitudes did you grow up around that you knew were stupid? What about beliefs you only realised later were kind of off? Is your childhood home or hometown a safe place for you to return to? What was it like being queer when you were a kid or a teenager? What were the things you learnt from your parents and teachers about queerness? From friends, fellow students, other adults?

Recording

I wanted to play around with not bothering to make the vocals true to life with this. I wanted to make it feel like sitting in a run down old house and hearing things whistling like wind through the gaps in the wall. I wanted it to be kind of eerie, kind of comforting, and kind of painful. I recorded on two separate occasions, at least a month and a half apart, so I hope it fits together. Because I recorded a lot of it so long ago, I can’t remember if there’s anything in particular I wanted to say about it. Oh yeah, the start sounds a bit like the start of After the War. Heh. I have layered both the guitar and the lead vocals with one track FXless and the other with strange echoey filters on. I like that the FX come and go – Midshipman Louise tells me it’s disconcerting but it works. What do you think?

Conclusions

OK, it’s late. I have to finish up now and so I’ll leave it here without further ado. I hope you enjoy!

I would be honoured if you’d like to share this song with people – please link them to this page rather than directly to the download. Thanks!


Diamantina Drover
© Hugh McDonald
Arranged Williams 2008

(I won’t be back)

The faces in the photographs are faded
And I can't believe he looks so much like me
For it's been ten years today
Since I left for Old Cork Station
Saying, I won't be back til the droving's done

And the rain never falls on the dusty Diamantina
And the drover finds it hard to change his mind
For the years have surely gone, like the drays from Old Cork Station
And I won't be back til the droving's done

(I won’t be back)

Well, it seems like the sun comes up each morning
And it sets me up then takes it all away
For the dreaming by the light of the campfire at night
Ends with the burning light of day

For the rain never falls on the dusty Diamantina
And the drover finds it hard to change his mind
And the years have surely gone, like the drays from Old Cork Station
And I won't be back til the droving's done

(I won’t be back)

I sometimes think that I'll go back to Sydney
But it's been so long and it's hard to change your mind
For the cattle trail goes on and on, and fences roll forever
And I won't be back when the droving's done

I won't be back when the droving's done

(I won’t be back)

Download: Diamantina Drover (mp3)

Background

Hi all, it’s been a while. I have a couple of songs in the works at the moment, but I’ve been concentrating on my PhD and travelling around the world. It’s a hard life, innit?! I was recently in the USA and Canada, having a very awesome time, and I even got to get a wee bit of local live music on the way. I was also given some lovely mix CDs from a couple of friends that featured a few Canadian bands. Yay!

And this kind of relates, because I did miss my Australian music when I was away, and I’m looking forward to going to see The Spoils with Yana Alana & the Paranas AND The Town Bikes at the Northcote Social Club this Sunday 25th May. However, I was also reading The Adventure of English by Melvyn Bragg, and discussions of dialects and accents got me also missing my recent obsession, Rachel Unthank & the Winterset – their gorgeous close harmonies and distinct Speyside songs. So I have been wanting to listen to folk music, and now I’m back in Australia, I want Australian folk music.

I woke up on my first morning back with a line in my head: “The faces in the photograph has faded, and I can’t believe he looks so much like me”. It took me a while to remember more of the song, and where I knew it from. It’s called Diamantina Drover, and I knew it from a cassette tape of John Williamson I used to listen to heaps as a kid. John Williamson sings some fantastic songs, and it annoys me that he also sings a whole bunch of utter tripe, too. When I tried to find a recording of him singing this online (so I could steal it and put it on a CD!) I could only come up with True Blue, Boogie With M’Baby and other annoyingly twee things. But I remember Diamantina Drover, Galleries of Pink Galahs, and the haunting lines of Drover’s Boy.

As I was hunting for it, I checked out YouTube, and found these two versions, both of which are interesting, but not quite what I wanted. . . one and two.

I also learnt that Christy Moore has done a version, which is delightful, because I love Christy Moore (not quite, however, in the same slightly obsessive way I love his brother Luka Bloom, but that’s another story!), that it was written by Hugh McDonald of Redgum, and can be found in the Second Bushwhackers Australian Songbook. I am not alone in liking the song, it would seem, as there are plenty of threads on various internet forums trying to find out more about it.

Recording

Anyway, I gave up trying to find a version online, so I decided to record my own. As my guitar is still missing a string, I tried using the 12 string, but it sounded far too busy. I think the song needs to have a bit of space to it. I decided on acapella – the first time I’ve done voice only since it broke. The recording ranges from one to four voices, and I am intrigued to hear some harmonics happening in some of the sections! It was so exciting when I played back one part where I’d recorded three parts and I could hear a fourth high up above them! I remember as a kid always harmonising with tapes, records, CDs, and I think this recording is what I always longed for on the John Williamson recording – I wanted full-on harmonies. Because . . . well, we all know about my love for harmonies!

The echoey bits I used because I wanted something to lead in and out of the song, something that remembered and foreshadowed some of the lyrics (“I won’t be back”, “Ends with the burning light of day”), just like a memory called up by a hint of something, fleshed out for a moment, then gone. Like looking at a faded photograph and suddenly realising some connection. I think they don't sound great, and I think I'll play with them to make them sound less tacky.

I didn’t make the decision to change “photograph” to “photographs” in the first line, and I’m not sure I care one way or another. I think the singular is probably more compelling, but oh well. I think I’ve also taken the Williamson lyrics “it’s been ten years today” rather than the original “for it’s been ten long years”, mainly because that’s the one I knew. I sang "go back to Sydney" without thinking instead of "settle back in Sydney". I have, however, gone with the original “I won’t be back when the droving’s done” at the end rather than Williamson’s repeat of “I won’t be back til the droving’s done”.

Conclusions

I think this is OK for something I just whipped up, and it serves the purpose for me – I have a version of it to listen to and to share with friends. I also really, really like having a full harmony version. I’m interested in what you all think about my new voice doing the different parts – it’s not particularly polished I know, but I wonder if it feels balanced enough? I kept wanting to sing higher, but I couldn’t. Boo! And I blame Rachel Unthank & the Winterset for the close-close harmonies.

Enjoy, and welcome to Australian folk if it’s your first encounter!

Please feel free to link, but please send people to this page rather than directly to the download. And remember I did not write this song! I just arranged and recorded this version.