River/Lonely
© Williams 2007

I want to sing myself to sleep
I’m sick of counting sheep
I’m lonely
I’m gonna send it to the sky
I’m tired of asking why I’m lonely

I’m lonely because I can’t let go
I’ve got a secret no one knows
I’m lonely

I went out walking in the sun
I saw the river run below me
I tried to swim the width
And then the water closed over my head

I’m drowning because I can’t let go
I’ve got a scar that doesn’t show
I’m lonely

I wish the things I wanted
Were less impossible to get
I wish the things my arms sought
Were easier for me to hold

I took the longest road I knew
I found that very few can sleep here
For when the frost comes creeping slow
And settles in their bones
They weep here

They’re crying because they can’t let go
They carry seeds that cannot grow
They’re lonely

Download: River/Lonely (mp3)

Background

I wrote this song in early 2007 on a feeling, rather than as a story. The first two lines were scribbled down one day when I was at work, and then I came home and fiddled around with melodies, chords and lyrics.

The lyrics, as I said, weren’t meant to be particularly narrative. It was only a couple of months after I recorded this that I realised I was singing about Dean in the earlier episodes of season 2 Supernatural. Classy! I think the bridge (I wish the things I wanted / Were less impossible to get / I wish the things my arms sought / Were easier for me to hold) was also a response to, or a riffing off, iOTA’s “Everyone Wants Someone They Can’t Have” on Beauty Queen of the Sea.

The melody was written as a kind of gymnastics/training for my voice – I hadn’t been singing very much, and I knew that I was going to start on testosterone sooner rather than later, so I wanted to have some record of what I could do. I had also been conducting little songwriting experiments at the end of 2006 that included non-words in the vocal lines (i.e. “ooh” and “aahh” noises) – but that didn’t sound too separate from the lyrics. I wanted to get some of this stuff into the song.

Recording

As usual, everything was recorded on a little Mac laptop using GarageBand and the inbuilt microphone. Now, I love ProTools, but I don’t have the money to get properly set up with all the things I want, so I’m embracing lo-tech, lo-fi recording at the moment. There’s quite a bit of background hissing on the main vocal track, but I actually don’t mind it too much, as it adds a bit of airy atmosphere.

This was one of the first songs I recorded using the software instruments in GarageBand – the organ and piano. And I think there are issues with what I’ve done: it sounds quite amateurish in places.

Things I Like

I recorded this when I knew I was going to start on testosterone within a couple of months, so I made sure to get some high notes in there. I like those. I really enjoy the non-wordy bits, and I still really fancy the harmonies (at the bridge [1:47] and 3:10 to the end, especially). I also like the half-yodel as I change into my upper register and back (I’ve got a > scar > that doesn’t show, at about 1:18). Why yes, I was heavily influenced by The Cranberries in my youth!

I quite like the church organ. I don’t care how tacky it is!

Things I Don’t Like

On a basic level, this song suffers from the classic issues associated with laziness – I only recorded the guitar track once, and it speeds up significantly throughout the song. I don’t mind that the tempo increases, but I think it gets too fast too suddenly. If I hasn’t been so “it’ll do” at the time I would have re-recorded that track before I put down the vocals. As it is, I didn’t, and now I can no longer sing the song in that key, so I’m left with a sub-standard version.

Likewise, I never got around to re-recording the vocal tracks, and I can’t sing that high any more, so there are bits out of tune or slipping off notes. As I said, I hadn’t been doing that much singing, so I lacked some vocal control. If I could still sing the notes, I’d definitely re-do the last bit to make a stronger ending.

One thing that I also notice now is the heavy-handed use of software instruments. Fortunately, this is something I can go back and fix up – lower the volume a bit on the organ, and blend the notes a bit more. It’s a tedious process, but it might be worth it. To do it properly, though, I would need to listen to the recording several times on different sets of speakers, rather than just through my headphones or the little laptop speakers. Laziness strikes again!

Conclusion

I quite like the lyrics, melody and general idea of this song, and I think it managed to do for me what I wanted it to do. Although I don’t have a perfect product to display, I have a decent song, an OK recording, and proof that once I had a voice that could do these things.

Not my best work, but nothing to be ashamed of!

I would love for you to pimp this to your friends, but please link to this post rather than directly to the download. Thank you.